Een ja tegen een ander, is een nee tegen jezelf

Suze zag er vermoeid uit. Ze was dwars-af zoals ze zei. Tijdens ons gesprek vertelde ze dat ze altijd een gevoel van haast had, de hele dag door. Haar hart zat haar in haar keel. Bang dat al haar taken niet af kwamen. Bang dat ze haar gezin te kort zou doen. Haar vrienden. Collega’s. Bang dat ze niet goed genoeg was, niet genoeg deed.

Dientengevolge kwam ze in een patroon terecht waarin ze alleen nog maar dacht aan de volgende klus. Geen aandacht meer had voor waar ze mee bezig was en zette zichzelf op de allerlaatste plaats. s’Avonds was ze blij om in haar bed te kunnen liggen maar lag dan vervolgens de eerste uren van de nacht te piekeren over wat ze de volgende dag allemaal moest doen.

Suze staat hier niet alleen in.
Ik kon me goed voorstellen hoe ze zich voelde. Eerlijk gezegd denk ik dat iedereen zich hier min of meer wel in herkent.

Er is ook zoveel te doen! En allemaal leuk hoor! En nuttig ook. Daar niet van. Zo moeten de kinderen naar school. Op het werk moet van alles af. Het huishouden moet gedaan. Relaties onderhouden worden. Huiswerk nagekeken en overhoord. Social media gecheckt. Er moet gesport worden. Iemand doet een beroep op je en natuurlijk willig je dat verzoek in. En oh ja, eigenlijk moet je ook nog aan je zelf werken- zoals dat tegenwoordig heet.

Wanneer is het genoeg voor jou?
Deze vraag kwam binnen bij Suze. Daar had ze nog niet over nagedacht. Want wanneer is het genoeg. Waar ligt de grens. Wanneer komt het moment dat je jezelf in acht gaat nemen. Voor jezelf gaat zorgen. Suze’s vraag was veelzeggend: ’Kan ik het wel maken om meer aandacht aan mezelf te besteden?’

Kun je het wel maken om jezelf te negeren?
Tegenover jezelf, maar ook tegenover je omgeving. Wat gebeurd er als je ziek wordt? Kribbig bent omdat je te moe bent? Lichamelijke klachten krijgt omdat je lichaam klaagt. Niets meer kunt vinden of bedenken omdat je brein overuren draait? Hartkloppingen hebt omdat je bang bent dat je het niet redt? Wie wint daar wat mee?

Een ja tegen een ander, is een nee tegen jezelf.
Hier zat wat in. Eerst was ze even bang dat ze haar leven moest stil leggen. Ze lacht als ze dit zegt. Eerlijk gezegd vindt ze het dramatisch klinken. Maar ik stel haar gerust. Deze opmerking is heel begrijpelijk als je altijd maar gewend bent om te rennen. Het vooruitzicht om rustiger aan te doen kan beangstigend zijn, want wat betekent dat? Rustiger aan doen?

Een nee tegen een ander, is een ja tegen jezelf.
We besluiten klein te beginnen:

1. Veranderingen: Suze neemt zich voor om elke dag even 5 minuten te nemen om te zien wat ze allemaal doet die dag. Om even na te gaan waar er verandering in aan gebracht kan worden om de dag wat rustiger te laten verlopen. En wat blijkt? Er is altijd wel iets wat niet direct hoeft te gebeuren, waar geen brand in zit, wat een ander prima kan doen of zelfs onnodig is.

2. Vertragen: Tijd wordt altijd onderschat. Afspraken en taken duren altijd langer dan we denken. Suze begon haar tijd ruimer te plannen. Ook de tijd tussen de afspraken werden verlengd.

3. Daarna oefent ze in weigeren van verzoeken: De eerste nee was moeilijk voor haar maar het resultaat verbluffend. Het werd geaccepteerd en dat gaf haar de moed om dit verder uit te bouwen.

4. Een voor een: Taken een voor een afhandelen en daadwerkelijk afmaken gaf rust en ruimte in haar hoofd. Wat af is, daar hoeft niet meer over nagedacht te worden.

Suze’s conclusie
Waar ze bang voor was gebeurde niet. Vertragen, nee zeggen, de taken één voor één afmaken en de dag anders inplannen maakte het niet saai of traag. Ze werd er niet voor bestraft. Haar kinderen en andere dierbaren kwamen niets te kort. Sterker nog, ze kreeg meer voor elkaar. Kon er veel beter voor de ander zijn. Met veel minder moeite en stukken meer plezier.  De hartkloppingen waren weg, ze slaapt weer en voelt zich stukken vrolijker. Ze kan veel meer aan.

Ze beseft: Het is prima om goed voor jezelf te zorgen. Je bent het jezelf verplicht zelfs. Om daarna weer opgeladen weer verder te kunnen maar nu met plezier. En nu met een kloppend hart van blijdschap.

  • Karen van Hout

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